The Preposterously Boring Chronicles of Charlie Part 3: Daddy Issues
spencer, morgan, reid, derek, love
charlie_butler

I just found out that my dad has trouble remembering my name. I suppose I should just content myself with the fact that he got the first letter right. I don't even really know what to think right now. I don't talk to my dad much. Ever, really.

He didn't even know I was moving, I didn't tell him. I haven't talked to him in a loooong time. I know we have a crappy relationship. I know he doesn't think about my sisters or I very often. I know that ... I don't know anything.

I don't know if he was joking or not, but the way my sister said it, she was just as shocked about it as I am. She kind of laughed it off (and I did, too) because he's messed up hers and my other sisters' birthdays before (wrong month, wrong age, etc.) and we always kind of laugh at the fact that he obviously doesn't give enough of a shit to try and get this stuff right... He's not the joking type, either.

But to forget my name!! I just. I don't know. Am I that forgetable? One of his only three kids, and he forgets my name.

I just- I don't know. Needed to get this out. I don't feel angry, the way you should feel when you realise you hate someone. I just feel sad. And worthless.

The Preposterously Boring Chronicles of Charlie 2
eleven, raggedy doctor, doctor who
charlie_butler

So, in my teaser blurb at the end of my last post I promised a lot of things... But I wasn't exactly awake or sober at the time so I don't really remember most of what I was going to say. Therefore, I'll wing it. :)

I am again, neither awake nor sober, so I wouldn't expect much from this. What can you expect, though, from a 20 year old with no real responsibilities? Technically, I'm almost 21. I've just been very adamant about that fact lately. One month left. :) ...where was I?

OH! So, my teaser promised talk of 4/20. A holiday I have previously not celebrated. I,uh, I did this year. ...It was fun. I don't exactly remember many details, I just remember a general sense of mellow contentment intermixed with bouts of over the top laughter. We watched the Fox & The Hound, I remember that much. Then I think I passed out while we were watching Ninja Turtles... idk. I actually slept right through 4:20pm. But whatever, there's an unwritten rule that if you're just too stoned to be awake at 4:20, you're excused. You can't really expect stoners to NOT understand this type of problem. Plus, I was kind of excused because I woke myself up to smoke at 4:20AM, then went back to sleep. Honestly, I don't think I was sober for even a single minute that day. Like a marathon high. It was pretty nice, but I was still super mellow the next day. Just really fuckin' laid back. Like some kind of residual chill.

I also promised talk of phone companies. I don't actually care about that topic right this minute. Maybe around next paycheck I'll think about it more.

Also on the schedule is "my apparent romantic retardation." I don't really feel like bringing that up again right now. I'm in a good mood, don't wanna ruin it by thinking about things that bring me down.

The new season of Doctor Who!!! In my opinion, Doctor Who is a hideously underrated show. At least here in the US it is. I honestly don't know a single RL person who watches Doctor Who and who I can talk to about it. Craig Ferguson, my favorite late-night host, is a giant fan, and that makes me feel kind of cool. He had the new doctor on the show a while back!!! That's like scifi royalty (new blood, obviously), and they're on Craig Ferguson?! That's awesome!! Sorry, I get excited about nerd-stuff, sometimes.

Speaking of nerd-stuff (and forgoeing the menu for now), every time I see that LotR: Fellowship is on tv and I tune in, I just happen to do so at the perfect time to watch Boromir die. Why?! Why am I tortured so?? Doomed to watch my favorite character from the whole series die again and again. ...It helps that it's an awesome scene, but it still hurts.

A randomly chosen episode of BtVS? Hmm... School Hard. It's a good default to fall back on. Especially, because it includes the introduction of one of my favorite fictional characters, EVER: Spike aka William the Bloody aka William Pratt. It also has inter-action between him and my second favorite character, Xander. ...Not going into any more detail than necessary here. Let's leave it at I really like this episode for the possibilities it presents the imagination.

The actual thing I wanted to talk about!!! Finally. Concerts I'm going to. Unfortunately, I've almost run out of time, and I still have something else I wanted to get out before I retire, so. I'm ditching this line of conversation until a more convenient time comes up at which I can discuss it.

So, tonight I went to a mini-concert. It was held in an auditorium in the local library and it had four local bands, I think. A friend of mine from work, one of my only outside of work friends, is the drummer in the last band to play. He asked me, and most of the other people we work with, as well as their friends and family, to come. They wanted to pack the theater. So, planning on skipping the first two bands, I was gonna show up around 7:30/8:00pm. Instead I call another friend from work, asking if he wants to hang out, then go down there together, because I thought 'why miss those two bands?' He was going down there early anyways. When I call him, he says that we could've hung out if I'd called 10 minutes earlier, but now he's busy with some other people. Okay, that's cool, he says he'll call me in just a few about actually going down there. I end up going down there with my mom (also personally invited) and my brother and his friend. We show up, start watching the 3rd band, they're actually really good. I wasn't expecting much from a bunch of local bands, but I was really impressed with the two I saw.

Anyways, we watch the show and between bands, my friend from work (whom I'd called earlier) says he's sorry, he got stoned and forgot he was gonna call me back about going down the library together. I tell him, it's cool, I got some stuff and did the same thing, and then I forgot as well. I lied, though, I didn't forget, I actually did this pathetic 'hold on to the phone to make sure I actually get the call thing' and ...and nothing. It was pretty stupid.

To knock my self-esteem down another notch or two, when I ask my work friend what everyone's doing after the show, he says that they (he and two other guys and a girl, one of which I know, and two I'm acquainted with) are gonna help clean up, then go hang out at one of the acquaintances house. He says if he hears about anything going on he'll give me a call. Then looks at his watch, Oh! It's already 9:30, nothing's really going on tonight. I say okay, I've gotta work in the morning, I'll just go home, get stoned, and sleep. He says, oh, you've gotta work, that sucks. You should get some sleep. I agree and say bye and leave.

On my way out, I see the friend who invited me in the first place, the drummer, and go to congratulate him and say later or whatever I'm gonna do. Before I catch his attention, he starts talking to a guy who just came in about how he just missed the show and I just... brushed past and left. I don't know. I kind of felt like I was running away from the whole thing.

I'm not angry about anything. Not sure what I feel. Disappointed maybe. But is it because I wanted to do something tonight, or is it because I interpreted the fact that nothing was going on as a brush off. As a rejection. And then I see my other friend (the one I'm closer too), and I don't even initiate the contact. It's like that first rejection just destroyed my confidence for any other encounters and I ran out with my tail between my legs.

As I was leaving I was thinking stuff like, "Are they really not doing anything, or do I just make the situation awkward?" and, "Did he (drummer) see me leaving and just not care?" and, "Will he be mad that I left without saying bye or congrats or does he just not care either way?"

I think these things, then I think, "Why are you acting like such a whiny-bitch? Man-up and stop overthinking this stuff, because no one else puts this much thought into everyday human interaction." Then I think, "Shoulda just stayed in the basement in the first place. Why try? When I'll just get shut-down and end up at home, alone, watching tv in my basement? Why bother?"

So. Anyways. I've gotta work in about 6 hours, I need some sleep. I'm out-ski-doodles, you ...rapid pack-o-poodles? Whatever. Peace.

-Charlie


PS- I'd like to, once again, apologise for apparently not knowing how to work the lj-cut button. You just highlight the text you want hidden and click on the button that says "LiveJournal Cut" right? What step am I missing here?! AAAARRRRGH!! Sorry. Frustrated.

The Preposterously Boring Chronicles of Charlie 1
spencer, morgan, reid, derek, love
charlie_butler

It's getting a little late, and I planned on heading to bed, but I looked at my own journal and noticed that my last actual post was concerning my first day of work... I've been there nearly nine months now and I'm ashamed that I haven't posted anything in so long. The point is, I'm trying to get back on the lj-bike and this is my first step. I will have to keep this post a bit short though, it's nearly 3am and I have work at 11.

In my last couple of posts I was, for lack of any better phrase, acting like a whiny bitch. I'm not usually, and I know it's normal to be overwhelmed and such when going through a major life change (ie. moving half-way across the country to a hick town filled with people I don't know) but now that I've had time to adapt and settle, I expect myself to be a little less whinging.

And now, since we're through with my tedious little intro, on to the actual post:

Several times I've described myself as "socially retarded" and said that the only way I ever make friends is when I'm have some sort of forced contact with them. I actually think I really lucked out when I got the job that I did. Almost everyone I work with is very close to me in age, and being forced to spend time with these people while working has allowed me to actually make connections with them and I think I can actually call a lot of them friends. I mean, I've interacted with other humans on a social level!!! That's a big step for me! I'm just kidding, I'm not that much of a recluse. But I have been having a surprisingly good time, made some friends so far. I've gone out and done stuff. Gone for pointless walks. Cruised the back-roads just to listen to CD after CD. Things are actually going pretty well right now.

I do still have some issues with my life and myself, but who doesn't? I don't want to get too far in to any of that stuff right now though, considering my time constraints, so I'll just present the ideas of them as some sad little 'teaser' of what's to come in my next post.

Next time on THE PREPOSTEROUSLY BORING CHRONICLES OF CHARLIE: SEX!!! Not really. Sorry, I couldn't help myself. Seriously now, I'll probably cover several things including 4/20, Sprint vs. Verizon vs. Cricket vs. Virgin, my apparent romantic retardation, the season premiere of Doctor Who, a randomly chosen episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer, OH! AND!!! (and this is actually interesting, I think) my summer concert schedule. (Not that I'm a musician, I don't have the dedication for something like that, not to mention I could never choose which instrument I'd like to play, but I wanna talk about all the awesome shows I'll be going to this summer.) I've already got the tickets for 3 of them, I'm working on a fourth. I'm so excited!!!!

!!!!SPOILER ALERT!!!! The list will include Muse, Arcade Fire, MGMT, Escape the Fate, Trivium, Black Veil Brides, Less Than Jake, Gym Class Heroes, Middle Class Rut, Hollywood Undead, Deadmau5, The Arctic Monkeys, The Black Keys, OK Go, ...okay. Stopping now. Really. Off to bed with me. Not with me. I'll be going to my bed. You do what you like. ...If you happen to get lonely, though. Well, then. I'm sure something can be arranged. *creeper wink-> ;)

I think I'm getting a tad delirious. G'nite.

-charlie


Note: Sorry for potentially spamming anyone's friends page, I've tried to add the cut multiple times and have yet to be successful (as you can see). Never fear, for I shall not rest until this injustice is -!! Fuck that. I'm going to bed. I'll try to fix it next time I post.

Let's just forget that ever happened.
spencer, morgan, reid, derek, love
charlie_butler

So, about the other day (my last post), I was being surprisingly dramatic at the time. I didn't lie at all, but I don't think all of that's really as big a deal as I was making it. I can't say 'All better now!" because I'm still dealing with all of those issues, but I'm feeling better. I'm in a better mindset.

I started working at the DQ this morning, and it was better than I thought it'd be. It wasn't fun per se, but it didn't suck. I'm working every day this week and I think... I think I like it.

I'm feeling a lot better about my situation since I've had time to calm down and I just thought I'd say that before someone decided I was suicidal. 

InsomniacParanoidFrustratedHomesick?AngryRambling.
spencer, morgan, reid, derek, love
charlie_butler

I'm sitting at my brother's computer at nearly 4am and I've been typing for just about the last two hours. I was pissed at one thing or another and started venting to my sister on IM, but she had to go and I just kept typing and typing and typing and eventually I realised I was gonna need to get this all off my chest if it was bothering me enough that I'd typed nearly 500 words into an IM message and not noticed my sister saying goodnight and logging off.

So, I switched over to lj and just started venting. The end result, when copied and pasted to a word processor, was over eight pages of rambling bitchitude and the picking of emotional scabs long forgotten and I've decided to edit it, not for content or rambling-ness because I don't care about the content and I love the rambling-ness, but for spelling as I was typing faster than I could think, and to break into several paragraphs because no one wants to read a six page long run-on sentence.

Here's a recap of how I got to this point:

Read more...Collapse )

My life these days... lol
spencer, morgan, reid, derek, love
charlie_butler

So... how to sum up the last few weeks of my life... Last I posted my biggest problem was that my sisters had absolutely no taste in music. Understatement of the month (I'm not prone to exaggeration); my problems/difficulties/life have gotten a *tad* more complicated.

So in the middle of June my two sisters moved out. My two *younger* sisters. Way to make me feel like the 'still-lives-at-home-loser-guy.' I console myself with the fact that they moved into my stepsister's mom's house. I mean, that's not *really* moving out is it. It's just moving from one parent's house to another's.

The deal for them was that they had to enroll in school this fall, get jobs asap, and pay a whole $50/a month for rent/food. They've been there for over 3 weeks, they've signed up for classes, haven't paid *any* rent, and haven't turned in a single job application. On top of that, my youngest sister (17) has been driving around without a license regardless of the fact that if caught she won't be able to try for it until she's 21. Ugh. At least I don't pretend to be anything but the lazy sod that I am.

Another thing that's changed recently; my 'possibly-may-start-to-think-about-moving-to-the-east-coast-sometime-within-the-next-year' thing that I've had going on turned into 'Holy-shit-balls-we-just-got-evicted-how-will-I-come-up-with-$2000-to-make-a-cross-country-road-trip-in-the-next-two-weeks'.

So yeah, for those of you who don't speak ramblabble: I've known for a while now that my mother's divorcing my step-father. It's not that big of a deal, because... well I'm not sure but I don't think there's been any love there for a few years, and my step-dad's a bit of a lazy alcoholic type [hasn't had a job in going on three years now, hasn't made much effort to find one, and drinks alcohol like fish drink water (which come to think of it- DO fish drink water? I mean, I know they swim in it, live in it, eat in it, but do they actually drink it? Not the point I'm trying to make, just a side note really. He doesn't swim in the alcohol, he drinks it.) and has actually at one time blown off perfectly adequate job opportunities because he didn't want to stop smoking pot for the interview/drug test.] so really it's a good thing they're splitting.

My four year old nephew (who my mother had guardianship of for the last three-and-a-half years moved in with his mother about a week ago :(, leaving myself and my 10yr old brother at home.

So with the split we've all got to find places to go. My brother is going with my stepdad to my older-pseudo-adopted brother in Nebraska of all places.

I... have no real prospects. That also means I've got no ties, nothing to hold me back or anchor me in one place, but coupled with the whole no-money and no-skills thing it really turns out to be an overall negative.

I had offers from a friend of the family with an extra bedroom, an old school friend of mine offered up her couch for a week, but ...I guess getting out central CA would be good. I've always wanted out, just not sure I want New Jersey. :/

So yeah, New Jersey. My mom just can't do a cross country road trip on her own. I won't let her. And... I've got no better options... so... come August I'm moving to some little town right on the border of NJ and Pennsylvannia.

I've gotten off track and I don't remember what I originally intended to say... (gotta go back and read over what I've typed) OH! So the point is that because of my bum of a step-dad, my own lack of ambition, the fact that the rent hasn't been paid in three months, and my lack of ties to... anything I've got less than two weeks to sort and pack all of my belongings and sell most of my furniture so I can move to Pennsylvannia. I don't *know* anyone in Pennsylvannia. I mean, I've got an aunt and two cousins, but I *barely* know them. I *am* moving with my mom, but I don't plan on living with her beyond a couple of months because while I may be an unispired, good-for-nothing, mother lover I'm not gonna Norman Bates it up for very much longer. And my mother's family (who we'll be staying with temporarily) are so far removed from the kind of people I'm used to...

I mean for one they're all Republicans! And I call myself independent, but I do lean significantly left on most issues. My aunt and my female cousin aren't very confrontational, but my male cousin is pretty outspoken about his opinions and (I haven't seen them in over a decade so this is just what I've heard) not very polite or tactful about making those opinions known. Looking forward to those conversations? Nooop.

And as if that wasn't bad enough, as far as I know their musical tastes consist of country and the top 40 with occassional forays into Sinatra and some classic rock hits. Personally, there's *nothing* wrong with the occassional Sinatra binge, and classic rock is amazing... but country? I just don't get it. Never have. Never will. Won't even try. And I have to admit to liking *some* songs that hit the top 40, but the majority... nu-uh. My tastes tend to run both significantly heavier, and significantly weirder than that. I mean... you can't just ignore the British Invasion, Industrial Metal, Techno, rap rock, ska, reggae, boy bands, alt rock, indie rock, *70s punk*!

One of the hardest things is gonna be the... goody-goody thing the whole family's got going. I'm no juvenile delinquent, not at juvenile *at all* legally, but still not a delinquent... these people though, they're... 'churchy' for lack of a better term atm. I don't know if they're actually particularly devout, but they *are* religious (nothing wrong with it, just... different), respect for the law, societal boundaries, and they have some overall sense of propriety that I just don't recognise.

I'm sorry for rambling about this so much, but I'm really stressed out right now about everything that's going on. I'm living half out of boxes, trying to sell furniture, find homes for the pets, figure out whether or not I can take all of my books, divide the movie collection between five kids and two adults, reserve a truck, find a place to stay in the week between getting thrown out of here and getting the truck, find a place to keep my stuff in that week, plan a route from here to Omaha then on to Yardley, making sure all of my computer files are on *my* hard drive so I don't lose anything. I haven't even told my father I'm leaving yet (not that I expect he'll particularly care) it is something he has some vague pseudo-parental right to know I think.

On top of everything else I've been venting to you, my sleep schedule has been fucked lately. Usually (I say like I've ever had a real pattern) Lately, rather, I was sleeping fairly early in the evening and waking in the early morning hours. This way I got time to myself but was awake during the day to please my parents. Then, on July 4 I had to stay up for the fireworks show and since then I've been staying up too late, waking too late... sleeping like a normal person. The problem with that is I don't get tired fast enough; if I wake at 5am, I don't actually feel *sleep* tired until 1 or 2 the next morning. It's like my internal clock is in constant flux. Whatever, I just won't sleep today, fall out early and hope it works.

I'm fairly sure I've totally missed on several points I wanted to make, and probably forgot to bring several other things, but it's 6am and I haven't slept, and I'm under stress, and I don't feel like reading this back over, checking for errors, or generally using my brain.



Ugh! Billy Idol was NOT in the Sex Pistols!!! >:[
spencer, morgan, reid, derek, love
charlie_butler
Holy Batman's Cowl!

I was putting on my Sex Pistols tee and my I asked my sister if she liked Sid Vicious; she has the audacity to come back with, "Who?"

THAT ALONE nearly ended me. So I tell her it's the guy on my shirt, the bass player for the Sex Pistols, ... his name is ON the shirt. She says, ...*shudder*, "Oh... I thought that was Billy Idol."

And I died.

I explain that Billy was in Generation X, NOT the Sex Pistols, and point out the name on the shirt. I pull up a picture of each to compare and she says, "Meh. They look alike. I've never even heard Billy Idol's music."

As if that wasn't enough, my other sister, also seventeen, sees the picture of Billy and asks, "Who's this dude on the computer who looks like a chick?"

I was on the verge of tears, metaphorically of course, when my mother's friend chimes in with, "I don't even know who EITHER of those people are."

*deep, mournful sigh* I just realized I am surrounded my soulless, no-taste-in-music-having-zombies.

I think I'll retreat to the Batcave, queue up my mp3 to classic hits and punk rock, and cry for a few hours. I weep not for myself, but for those who live in ignorance of the gods.

And in this case, ignorance is far from bliss.

Writer's Block: High school musical
spencer, morgan, reid, derek, love
charlie_butler
If you had to choose a theme song for your middle or high school years, what would it be, and why?

Should I Stay Or Should I Go - The Clash
1979 - Smashing Pumpkins
(lol) I'm Just A Kid - Simple Plan
Smokin' In The Boys' Room - Motley Crue
Thunderstruck - ACDC (kinda the school 'fight' song)
School's Out for Summer - Alice Cooper
Pretty Vacant - The Sex Pistols (describes the student body)
Blame It On Bad Luck - Bayside
...and a shit-ton of Blink-182

...I dunno. *shrug*

Writer's Block: Bitter aftertaste
spencer, morgan, reid, derek, love
charlie_butler
Do you judge people based on their taste in music? How has musical taste either enhanced or detracted from your relationships (including friends, roommates, and romantic partners)?

I probably *do* judge people, in fact, I'm sure I do. But musical tastes are just a piece of the puzzle. I'd never say, "Oh he likes hip-hop? Douche!" and then write them off.

Music *is* a big part of everyone's life (I should hope). But it's never the whole thing, and most of the time not even the most important thing in a person's life.

I've been friends with people who like things I don't, and people who don't like what I do, but it never really gets in the way. We just talk about other things; movies, news, school, whatever.

If I'm in a situation where I'm forced to listen to something I don't like for the sake of the company I'm keeping, I can usually deal. Just try to focus on nothing but the bass and tune out the rest. Worst case scenario, I pop in my headphones and focus on that.

It's fantastic when you realize you and your friends have similar musical tastes! I live for that moment when your eyes widen in delight, and you share twin grins realising you've found yet another musical soul mate!!

The feeling I get when I find another person who gets how amazing N'Sync is *still* a great band, or when I find another person who LOVES The Clash as much as I do, or someone who just knows who Sigur Ros is, or... Christ. There're so many examples I could toss out. I love sharing music with people, finding something new to listen to, something old and obscure that's absolutely genius and that you love with everything you have... oh god. It's almost orgasmic. (Hey look! *What?* Over there! *What? Where* That right there! That last line. *What about it?* That's you, going to far. Way to cross the line, freak. *_sheepish_ Sorry* You'd better be. Now watch it.)

Writer's Block: Cliff hanger
spencer, morgan, reid, derek, love
charlie_butler
What's the most dangerous thing you've ever done? Are you glad you did it? Would you do it again?

I dunno, I do a lot of dumb shit...Swimming at 10,000ft. in ...spring/summer. There was snow 10ft from the shoreline! I'm so glad we did that, and hell yeah I would again! Fantastic rush!
 
Climbing on the domes in Yosemite a few years back, taking 'dangerous' trails, leaning to close to the edge lol, leaving food in my tent on purpose (didn't really do that one, I'm dumb, not suicidal! lol), it was fun and we got some great views, don't think I'd do it again though, too easy to fall. We were hanging out with a ranger, he showed us some *shudders* pictures. Put us off *that* idea, needless to say.

Swimming at 10,000ft. in ...spring/summer. There was snow 10ft from the shoreline! I'm so glad we did that, and hell yeah I would again! Fantastic rush!

Also, I have a bad habit of lying in the middle of the intersection near my house in the early morning hours. It's not *that* dangerous, traffic is pretty low then and the street's long enought that I have time to get up if a car's coming. I don't regret doing it, and I'll probably do it again, because it's the only decent spot to see the stars near my house.

Other than that, idk, walking around my neighborhood alone at night. *eyeroll* I can't think off anything.

?

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